i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize