i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
