She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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