I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
