...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Randomize
