hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
