eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
