Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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