I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize