so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
