We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
