The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
