why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Watching her eat just hurts me
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
