Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
