so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
