I wish my penis had an off switch
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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