Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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