I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
