im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
