Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
