I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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