I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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