I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
