dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
