My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize