my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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