I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
