i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
