i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
