i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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