so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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