I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
