So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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