Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
