Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
