I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
