those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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