So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
