We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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