A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
