I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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