if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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