I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
