At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
