I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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