dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
