Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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