The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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