Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
