You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
