I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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