Already got asked if we're dating
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
