Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
