Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
