my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize