I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize