i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
