There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
