why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
