i think my mom watched the whole time
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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