Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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