Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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