I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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