I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
